Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Over a cup of coffee and a cigarette

It's been awhile since I've had some time for myself.

The past years have been kind to my career, but I have missed a few roses along the way. I've been wanting to pause for awhile - collect myself and put on the brakes so literally to speak - on life. Each time I attempt to, I lose myself in the feeling of being alone with myself, and I become anxious at that thought and bury myself back in all that work.

The last few months have really been tiring. One day, I woke up to find myself retired from the Faculty of Medicine and Surgery and the next day I'm scrambling over five added projects and teaching in the graduate school. I've been stressing myself out lately and literally flogging my aching body and tired mind. I'm in a different city or province or country or am just waiting for my next ride in the airport.

There are days when all that energy is just channeled to watching a marathon of movies on HBO, Starworld or some pirated DVD. It's just not me. I am not a TV addict. I have always abhored watching television. But it has lately become my respite from all the work I commit myself to. And my bedroom has become an inner sanctuary during these trying times of finding myself once more.

This weekend, I will treat myself to a cup of coffee very early in the morning and watch the sunrise with a cigarette in one hand and slowly whisper a wish to the wind that the mixture of caffeine and nicotine would numb my aching spirit. I have not whiffed a good cigarette in the last decade and will try to resurrect my weary mind and body.

I am in search of myself today.

I am sure most of my friends are as well. We have these extra pauses in life that makes us wonder if we are happy where we are and where we are going or where do we want to be...

When I find myself this weekend, I will let you know. You see, until I find myself again, I might lose the me I loved.

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