Alone

I have an uncle who has advanced prostatic cancer.

He's been battling with it for the last 2 1/2 years. And he is single at the age of 66.

Initially, he was in denial, but a few months ago, he accepted his fate. A tad too late, though.

Some of us in the family have chipped in for his medications for palliative relief from the pain and the infections that have come and gone.

In the meantime, his condition continues to deteriorate.

Last Saturday night, I received a call from my resident informing me that he was in the ER. He was conducted by ambulance. He had passed the house of his brother to ask him to accompany him. My other uncle declined. So my uncle ended up in the ER alone. My resident had called me to ask me if I was willing to sign consent for procedures and other responsibilities for him. I told her that my relatives should be contacted for this as I am his nephew and not the primary person responsible for his welfare. Understanding the legalities and ethics of medical practice, my remaining unreliable relatives might end up suing me for taking care of him.

The remaining living relatives residing in the Philippines had actually abandoned all care for my uncle. It was not a matter of caring for him in his time of need. It was about financial matters. (I will not delve on the complicated issue and story of the life of my relatives. That is not worthy of this blog.)

The following day, I went to the hospital to check on him.

It was sad that he was sitting in a hospital bed all alone. When I saw him, I was drawn by so much pity. He was very ill and all alone. I asked my resident Osang to accompany me to him. I was touched by the fact that the clerks, interns, and Medical Residents at UST had taken the time out to buy him food and lend him their mobile phones so that he could contact his siblings. But they all did not want to come. And I had to break the news to him. No one was coming. Then he became teary-eyed and held my hand.

This was the scene I wanted to avoid.

I could not imagine how flesh and blood could abandon someone who is dying.

It was not about the finances. That was the easier part. Parting with hard earned money was something that could easily be replaced. But the emotional support to someone who is your brother at a time when he would need all this family support seemed to have broken down completely. While my other relatives may have financial difficulties at this time, the responsibility of caring for him emotionally was theirs. Providing consent to procedures was theirs as well. It blew my mind that one of my uncles had called me that morning to ask me to just go there and see what he needed and settle everything. Their excuse was that they didn't have the time.

Didn't have the time...

After settling all the accounts at the hospital and giving him money to buy medicines and some other things he may need, he could be sent home.

I blog about this because a part of me died that day.

It pained me to see that even family had little meaning when it came to financial challenges like these. We can always prepare for a life of luxury, but when an illness strikes us, where is our family? How can we be so selfish?

That Sunday morning, I wondered where my uncle drew the strength to continue his battle with cancer in spite of how his brothers treated him.

That Sunday morning, I found the real definition to the term ALONE.

I pray that everyone who leads a life like my uncle, will somehow draw strength from the others like my clerks, intern, nurses, and residents...who took the time to care.

Strangely, it is the nameless people in the crowd who cared more than those who you lived your whole life with.

Being alone is the worst kind of exit we have in this life. Being alone, means losing meaning to everything we lived for. It is the ultimate taste of hell while still being alive.

Alone

I was watching an episode of Private Practice the other night.

The series featured the plot between life and death. A baby born with diaphragmatic hernia where an immediate surgical procedure would be needed. A matter of life and death. But the baby was being delivered to a mother who had already decided that the baby would be given up for adoption. And she refused to decide on the fate of her baby and would leave that decision to the adopting parents. But the adopting parents had opted not to adopt the baby. Which left the plot requiring a resolution.

The most touching part of the episode was the doctor who was dying of pancreatic cancer. On his last days, he wanted to just go home to die. Two colleagues were there to provide him company and comfort in his last few days. He had little options, and he wanted to die.

The "assisted death" was one of the most moving scenes I ever saw. When the doctor had injected himself with a large dose of morphine, he was more than willing to die. Then at the brink of death, he began having second thoughts. It was then that he expressed to his colleagues how lonely he was. And how it terrified him to die - alone. And that he wanted to live. He begged for another chance. Dying alone was his greatest fear.

Alone.

One is such a lonely number.

It is my most feared scenario as well. At the end of the day, when I crawl to bed, I feel the loneliness seeping in.

Many of the escapes we have in life provide us the temporary exit out of the myriad of problems we face each day. Going on a vacation, changing jobs, moving to far away places, changing partners, buying things - often provide us the "distraction" from facing real life decisions and ending up with "peace of mind".

The greatest step we make towards sanity is facing life the way it is presented to us. Full of challenges and yet disappointing. An escapist life is not fulfilling. You only run away from problems and end up losing yourself in the process.

Wherever life takes us, we cannot live regretting that we could have made it right, when we were given the opportunity to. There may be misgivings and heartaches, indecisive moments driven by past hurts and pains, but nothing falls short of realizing that it can be resolved by a simple text message or a hand of forgiveness and reconciliation that is just within our reach. Even if it means having to swallow our pride, we did our part.

We do not need to be alone.

Let me share with you (even those who are non-Catholics), a short prayer I say each morning. It has become a ritual, but it has helped me through the best and worst days of my life. You may want to try a little prayer. Each morning as you start your day, in the solace of your home, instead of being ALONE, whisper this prayer.

It is "peace of mind" for free!

"Dear God, as I begin this day, let me turn to you and ask your help in everything that I say and do.

Give the patience that I need to keep my peace of mind, and with life's cares, I hope, Dear God, some happiness to find.

Let me live but for today, not knowing what's ahead, for I trust that you will see, I get my daily bread.

Give me the courage to face life's trials and not from troubles run. Let me keep this thought in mind, Your will not mine be done.

And if some wish I do not get, though I have prayed to thee, let me keep in mind, you know what's best for me.

I've failed you many times I know, but when tonight I rest, I hope that I can kneel and say, dear God, I've done my best."

Finding Contentment

Young Blood is a regular column in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. It's a contributors column from those "twentysomething and below". Naturally, I don't fit in this category, but I do enjoy reading the contemplative thoughts on life from the younger generation.

The column by Aldo T. Lim titled "Comparisons" published last Saturday April 4, 2009 caught my eyes. His rantings talked about two people - Anthony and Aldo - and the admiration of Aldo over what Anthony was, and had. Aldo writes at how much he compares himself with and envies Anthony. Two friends growing up together yet with different paths in life. And no matter how much Aldo compares himself to Anthony, they will never be on the same plane.

Like many of us, we compare ourselves with other people, other lives, others dreams. Strangely, like Aldo, it's only the beautiful and wonderful things in life we desire. The comparisons between having the opportunity to dream of going to Millenium Park in Chicago (for Aldo) and live in the Windy City for awhile (for Anthony) or to as senseless as graduating and spending guiltless time-off after graduation at home for Aldo and in Texas for Anthony or even to as simple as Anthony having a more "privileged" life with Aldo comparing himself to Anthony in terms of having a better MP3, better camera, better job and yup, a better life...

We have our crossroads and inextricably, most of us suffer the fate of Aldo.

There are several parallels in this world though. While Aldo compares himself with Anthony, I am sure Anthony compares himself with someone else. You see, our lives run parallel with someone else's life and it's not a sin to compare. The irony is that we only compare ourselves with what others have and dream of what others have...sad to say out of unconscious envy. Even in the short column, Aldo only desires what Anthony has but never mentions what Anthony does NOT have. We only look for the roses in the field and don't want to have anything to do with the thorns.

My partner in his blogsite (http://web.me.com/bjcarreon/Twisted_Optimism) cited a few lines from Elizabeth Gilbert on "Eat, Pray, Love" and Ms. Gilbert having to deal with Depression and Loneliness as if both were human. Depression confiscating your identity and Loneliness relentlessly interrogating you.

Both Depression and Loneliness are fiends who harass you into losing your best friend Happiness.

Happiness is often the loneliest friend we have in the end because, while Happiness hangs around us joyfully, we miss out on the journey of life because we let Depression and Loneliness take the lead. We forget that it is Happiness who is our best friend in both good and bad times.

Life is never fair. Believe it or not, everyone has their share of Depression and Loneliness. But Happiness will always be around...and we can get rid of the other comparative parallels in our lives if only we learn to find Contentment. Finding Contentment is the real challenge because we get side-tracked by Depression and Loneliness into accepting them as the true companions in Life. While Contentment is visibly in front of us, we prefer not to see him because many of us have difficulty in accepting the companionship of Happiness. Many of us would rather wallow with Depression and Loneliness. It is both Depression and Loneliness that zaps the very core of life we have left in this world. At the end of the day, we feel tired, sad and alone. But Depression and Loneliness will always declare we need them in order to be competitive in this world. Which makes seeking Contentment's help and Happiness' friendship more difficult each day.

I have found Contentment in my journey called Life. Once in awhile, Depression and Loneliness tug at my very soul, but I will not let them take away my best friend Happiness because Contentment is now with me. How about you?



(Photos from www.flickr.com/photos/eyeore2710)

Over a cup of coffee and a cigarette

It's been awhile since I've had some time for myself.

The past years have been kind to my career, but I have missed a few roses along the way. I've been wanting to pause for awhile - collect myself and put on the brakes so literally to speak - on life. Each time I attempt to, I lose myself in the feeling of being alone with myself, and I become anxious at that thought and bury myself back in all that work.

The last few months have really been tiring. One day, I woke up to find myself retired from the Faculty of Medicine and Surgery and the next day I'm scrambling over five added projects and teaching in the graduate school. I've been stressing myself out lately and literally flogging my aching body and tired mind. I'm in a different city or province or country or am just waiting for my next ride in the airport.

There are days when all that energy is just channeled to watching a marathon of movies on HBO, Starworld or some pirated DVD. It's just not me. I am not a TV addict. I have always abhored watching television. But it has lately become my respite from all the work I commit myself to. And my bedroom has become an inner sanctuary during these trying times of finding myself once more.

This weekend, I will treat myself to a cup of coffee very early in the morning and watch the sunrise with a cigarette in one hand and slowly whisper a wish to the wind that the mixture of caffeine and nicotine would numb my aching spirit. I have not whiffed a good cigarette in the last decade and will try to resurrect my weary mind and body.

I am in search of myself today.

I am sure most of my friends are as well. We have these extra pauses in life that makes us wonder if we are happy where we are and where we are going or where do we want to be...

When I find myself this weekend, I will let you know. You see, until I find myself again, I might lose the me I loved.