Of bachelors, hunks, narcissism and being gay

Over a decade ago, one could not imagine the tabloids and magazines splattered with the crotches of men in the tiniest of underwear showing barely the outline of their family jewels. Or in the lowest of jeans showing a pinch of pubic hair or a shaved crotch.

Sexy advertising (or whatever you may want to name it) used to be a woman's world. In the Philippines, this era was marked over 30 years ago by women simply wearing string bikinis riding on a horse or whatever, to entice men in the sale of liquor. There were posters of women in various states of undress and Tanduay Rhum would give away calendars tagging each of them as Miss January, February, March, and so on.

Today, you see a bolder side of advertisement. I mean, you gotta agree with me when I say that the men are more daring and revealing than the women. Each year the Bench Underwear fashion event has all the ladies and gayness in gaga-land not over what the women wear, but over what the men are not wearing. And CosmoMen, featuring the men with washboard abs and oiled muscled bodies rippling in various explicitly sexually suggestive poses only made me affirm the fact that narcissism has reeled its ugly head.

Don't mistake me for being prude. That is the least I am.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that this is the kind of material that should hog the limelight most especially during prime time television. There is nothing wrong with flaunting a beautiful body. But the media must learn to discern as to when is the proper time to show segments like these. Of course, for the advertising and business world - SEXY SELLS!

And while we're at the topic of hunks galore, a colleague asked me in passing - DO YOU THINK THAT THESE MODELS ARE REALLY STRAIGHT MEN?

I wanted to slap her right there and then, but since I am suffering from lateral epicondylitis (tennis elbow), I decided to spare my right arm the pain.

These women just DO NOT get it! Dang!!! Did I need to give a lecture on how to tell if your man has signs and symptoms of being gay? Shoot me now and call me straight if you still can't distinguish a straight man from being gay.

Over a cup of coffee and some walnut cookies I enumerated the obvious signs and symptoms:
1. He's JUST NOT INTO YOU dearie. When you're in a party he likes to huddle with the boys. Especially the cute ones. When another hunk walks in, observe his head or eyes dart into that direction. Observe his eyes every time you go out. It tells a lot about whether you're with him or he's just physically there but he's not totally there at all!

2. He's 50 and he's still not married. So he's good looking, an achiever, and he's had several women in his life. It's either he's got erectile dysfunction and isn't telling anyone or he's not getting it up because he just doesn't like women. In short, he goes out with you because you're his front act. As to why he can't keep a relationship or get committed to one is not your fault. It's his. He's not into women!

3. His clothes are super neat and his make up is thicker than yours. He just says he's metrosexual (whatever that means). I blogged about this metrosexual concept a few months back and I tell you it's nothing but a campaign by advertisers and business to sell beauty to men. Men being beautiful? Duh? I'm fine with fragrance and clothes, but if he puts on a foundation or eyeliner or curls his lashes or plumps his lips with gloss then you've got someone who'll be carrying a "kikay" kit on your next vacation as well. [And while you're at it, check if he has those really low cut underwear that leaves little to the imagination or perhaps has some tight string bikini which would make your thong blush from what he's packing.] He's pretty obsessed with what he wears and how neat and spick and span he should be. You will not see a crease on his shirt and he's really tidy all over with that fruity citrus smell like he bathed himself with the whole bottle of cologne. Remember, if the guy looks more beautiful than you, you better think twice if he's straight or not!

4. He picks your clothes. Or he's picky when it comes to what you wear. You know the drill. You're going out for a date, then at the door he looks at you from head to foot then makes a stupid comment like, "I love your dress, but your shoes just don't match the color." Shazzam...and when did he become an instant make-over artist or fashion critic?

5. He's a total health buff. I mean really a health buff. I mean extremely a health buff. I mean a really totally extremely health buff. He's conscious with his food. He has gazillion pills laid out on the table when you dine out. He has an extra protein bar in his pocket so that he doesn't binge on food. He's conscious about his abdominal muscles and the weight and poundage that he will add. At a restaurant when you ask him to try your dish, he declines and offers his being conscious of his body as a pathetic excuse. He's a gym rat! In short, there's not a day in the week he's not at the gym lifting those barbells then posing and flexing his pumped body for all the world to see. Be most wary when he tells you that he's late for your dates because he's not yet done pumping his muscles. Several studies show that 50-75% guys who are narcissistic are actually dystonic gay men. Another study reveals that 30-50% of professional bodybuilders have homosexual tendencies and urges. Finally, 30-50% of male models are actually gay (but that's an underestimate because in reality 70-80% actually are).

6. He's not effeminate. Alright so it's a given. Most men that are effeminate are probably gay. But these straight-acting men are more dangerous than the effeminate ones. At least the effeminate ones are already distinguishable, but those that pretend to be straight are deceivingly devious. Why then do they act macho? Well primarily because not all gay men need to have a limp wrist. And that these macho-acting men act that way so that they can bond with other macho/straight guys . You know - hang out with the boys so that he can check their "toys". They're the ones that engage in hardcore body contact with other men, swapping t-shirts and jockstraps and body rubs. And here's the weird side - while most effeminate men may be gay, some of them are straighter than an arrow! So don't get deceived by the fact that the effeminate guy beside you happens to be gay! The world isn't just black OR white!

7. Just because he's got kids doesn't mean he's straight. Well let's just say that while they may have had the desire to sire kids, doesn't make them heterosexual or bisexual either. Jun Encarnacion and Arnel Ignacio for example. There's a long list of men who have kids and love men as well. So much for the "married" status. Some call them late-bloomers, whatever that means. Maybe after years of trying to ditch it they finally come to terms that they want their share of a "lollipop".

8. He's a Diva. I mean sure, while he loves the music of Barbara Streisand or Celine Dion, he does not need to sing it in falsetto mode! The minute you hear him sing in that mode, get out of the relation quick. It's either he just got castrated or he's wearing some really really really tight underwear that's clamping on his balls. Add the fact that he's into beauty pageants. Like if you asked a stupid question - "I wonder how many times has the Philippines won a world beauty pageant" - and he suddenly replies by giving you the exact year, name of winner, place it was held, and the place that the Philippines landed, you should get out of that relationship. If he's not gay then I'm definitely the Queen of England!

9. He is homophobic. There is something in him that makes him abhor openly gay people. He doesn't like them in the work place and enjoys putting them down. He surrounds himself with women and men only. He openly bashes gay people both in private and in public. This tells you that there is something in his past (or in his subconscious) that makes his react this way. It's usually a reflection of what he hates in himself. The gay population is a mirror of what he dislikes in himself. Because he finds this the dirtiest part of him, he does not like seeing them or being with them to the point of hating them.

10. His friends are beautiful men. Now that we're into cyberspace technology you can easily check out if your guy is gay or not. Simply click on his friends and you can tell - majority of his friends are beautiful men (not just men but really beautiful men) whose profile pics show half the torso rippling with muscles or even some of them only in scant underwear or very sexy or revealing poses. Especially if you don't know any of these men at all!

Give each segment in the checklist above 10%. If the guy fulfills 3 of the 10, then that makes 30% probability that he's gay and so on and so forth. If the guy (or hunk) of your dreams happens to fulfill at least 5 of the above criteria, steer away from him. You do not want to end up with a broken heart.

I promise you that you will remain a virgin throughout your life if you get a high score with your lover who happens to fill the criteria.

The metrosexual: Straight guy or straight gay?

metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.
—metrosexuality n.

You hear this word around town and in the fashion circle. Perhaps a fad or a clique or just a commercialism hype? The latter never ends with the fashion and beauty industry trying to sell a product, why not sell the concept of a "man not afraid to face his feminine side" and dub it as a metropolitan dude whose actions are more akin to grooming habits of homosexuals?

Historically, British author and journalist Mark Simpson (www.marksimpson.com), the 'father' of metrosexual, retrosexual, and spawner of sporno was interestingly initially cited in The Independent, a British publication:

The promotion of metrosexuality was left to the men's style press, magazines such as The Face, GQ, Esquire, Arena and FHM, the new media which took off in the Eighties and is still growing (GQ gains 10,000 new readers every month). They filled their magazines with images of narcissistic young men sporting fashionable clothes and accessories. And they persuaded other young men to study them with a mixture of envy and desire.
Some people said unkind things. American GQ, for example, was popularly dubbed ''Gay Quarterly''. Little wonder that all these magazines — with the possible exception of The Face — address their metrosexual readership as if none of them were homosexual or even bisexual.
—Mark Simpson, "Here come the mirror men," The Independent, November 15, 1994

Football star David Beckham in 2002, later became the poster boy (or should I say, whipping boy), for the subsequent commercialism of the metrosexual man. Many, including I, believe that the concept was born out of commercial exploitation of the male homosexual who is confused with his identity - hence, the term - metrosexual.

Simpson adds:


The typical metrosexual is a young man with money to spend, living in or within easy reach of a metropolis — because that's where all the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are. He might be officially gay, straight or bisexual, but this is utterly immaterial because he has clearly taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual preference. Particular professions, such as modeling, waiting tables, media, pop music and, nowadays, sport, seem to attract them but, truth be told, like male vanity products and herpes, they're pretty much everywhere.
—Mark Simpson, "Meet the metrosexual," Salon.com, July 22, 2002

Argumentatively, there is NO SUCH A THING AS A METROSEXUAL. The narcissistic affront of the male sexuality can be left to the human male being the macho-on-the-go. I think (and the girls do too), that it's sexy to have the guy flex his machismo side. NOT the well-sculpted pecs, delts, abs and arms rolled around a super tightly hugging shirt that scoops so low in front that the guy's tits are showing his cleaves (darn I thought that only women would look really sexy showing off those bumpers), but the real brute non-aesthetically made up look.

Once upon a time, a guy would swagger his pheromones based on his machismo image rather than the amount of Shu Uemura or Laura Mercier or Kiehl lines plastered all over his face. And there's the rub. Today, you have endorsers of "male beauty products" showing off their machismo side with all these foundation powders and supposedly male eyeliners, and male glossy lips and you've got the "men" queued up good at the cosmetic corners at the shopping malls. Truth be told, there are times when I want to tell the guy buying the foundation that he doesn't actually need it - what he needs is plastic surgery.

The gay population is a growing breed. I see a lot of would-be gay boys logarithmically expanding in numbers in the next decade. If you saw the Lady Gaga concert in Manila last year, the Araneta Coliseum was practically packed with young gay Pinoys aged 21 and below. And I was just counting the male homosexuals.

There is the screaming faggot, the repressed gay man, the macho gay, the tranvestite, the transexual and a garden variety of categories among the gay population. However you call them or dress them, their sexual orientation is geared towards same sex.

They are men in love and have sex with men.

Alexa Hackbarth in the Washington Post describes her concept of the metrosexual man:

At dinner the other night, my date listed the calorie count of the main entrees, raising an eyebrow at my chicken Alfredo selection after he had ordered a salad. I saw him check his reflection in the silver water pitcher three times. During dessert, he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he thought what we have together is very special. It was our third date.

It was then that I realized why my dating life has been as mysterious as the Bermuda Triangle since I arrived in Washington. This city, unlike any other place I've lived, is a haven for the metrosexual. A metrosexual, in case you didn't catch any of several newspaper articles about this developing phenomenon (or the recent "South Park" episode on Comedy Central), is a straight man who styles his hair using three different products (and actually calls them "products"), loves clothes and the very act of shopping for them, and describes himself as sensitive and romantic. In other words, he is a man who seems stereotypically gay except when it comes to sexual orientation.
—Alexa Hackbarth, "Vanity, Thy Name Is Metrosexual," The Washington Post, November 17, 2003

And as fantasy riddled as the vampires and werewolves in the Twilight series, if I may add, enigmatically emboldens the male to now hide his sexual orientation to women (albeit, foot them) by claiming metrosexuality.

No, I am not going to bash the metrosexual cult. Just an eye opener to the ladies who think they're dating a real man.

Think for a moment:
- the guy has nails so well manicured (and at times colored pink or violet or black) that it makes your magenta red coloring look like your nails were done in some lonely beauty parlor by Madam Auring
- you're having dinner with your new date and he comes sashaying into the restaurant wearing a tight fitting burgundy Armani t-shirt showing his well toned biceps and pectoralis major and minor, a hip hugging low waist Relay jeans wrapped around by an accenting Armani belt with a buckle that screams the logo; his slick black mane highlighted with whisps of blond coloring on the side; he smells better than you with his whiff of Calvin Klein One Summer Scent; and oh yeah, accessories by handbag by Gucci with shoes and socks to match; and all you came in was some dress you got on sale at The Black Shop, shoes and bag and accessories by Celine.
- when he suddenly drops his "purse" in the movie house, you notice that Shu Uemura and Laura Mercier are part of his make-up kit tucked neatly in the bag
- that his celphone has bling blings hanging at the end
- that he talks to you about going shopping for clothes in the gayest of all shops, picking out the shortest, kinkiest, sexiest and wildest underwear even if each pair costs P500 each
- that he has a penchant for matching his clothes to the color of his watch (purple shirt, purple watch, purple contact lens)
- that his ideal date with you is both of you getting a facial at Rustan's and a body scrub at the Spa
- that he admires it when not only women stare at him, but men as well
- that he has adoring looks at what other men wear and how they wear their clothes and compares himself with them ("Look hon, what nice biceps that guy standing in the corner has and I love the way he wears his jeans so low at the crotch, I wonder if I will look good as well in that? Where did the guy get those clothes? Damn they look hot on him!")
- that whenever you're out shopping, he's probably at the men's underwear section checking out the newest styles or at some Bench, Jockey or CK underwear shop, checking the latest merchandine
- that his netbook and his mobile phone are adorned with stickers and various protectors and he loves to hang out at wifi free stations showing off his gadgets and comparatively oogling at the men in the crowd
- that one look at his room and you notice that he's not only spic and span, but he has a room that would make the Queen of Sheeba shrink in envy at the amount of decorations and the design that was spent in garnishing the place
- that when it comes to making a fashion statement, he is so up-to-date that it would make Tim Yap look trampy and you look like his servant (or better yet - Maid!)
- that his pet dog is a Chihuahua or a Rotweiller?!?!?
- that he owns his very own compact mirror, which he carries 24/7 in his, where else but his clutch bag?

Vanity for vanity sake has a limit. Even our narcissistic egos can only go so far. Anything more flamboyant than being what your sexuality declares is a bit weird and coming up with the metrosexual term is but a pathetic excuse for men who in reality want men or so to put it bluntly are actually gay but hide under the guide of metrosexuality.