Sunday, September 12, 2010

Of bachelors, hunks, narcissism and being gay

Over a decade ago, one could not imagine the tabloids and magazines splattered with the crotches of men in the tiniest of underwear showing barely the outline of their family jewels. Or in the lowest of jeans showing a pinch of pubic hair or a shaved crotch.

Sexy advertising (or whatever you may want to name it) used to be a woman's world. In the Philippines, this era was marked over 30 years ago by women simply wearing string bikinis riding on a horse or whatever, to entice men in the sale of liquor. There were posters of women in various states of undress and Tanduay Rhum would give away calendars tagging each of them as Miss January, February, March, and so on.

Today, you see a bolder side of advertisement. I mean, you gotta agree with me when I say that the men are more daring and revealing than the women. Each year the Bench Underwear fashion event has all the ladies and gayness in gaga-land not over what the women wear, but over what the men are not wearing. And CosmoMen, featuring the men with washboard abs and oiled muscled bodies rippling in various explicitly sexually suggestive poses only made me affirm the fact that narcissism has reeled its ugly head.

Don't mistake me for being prude. That is the least I am.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that this is the kind of material that should hog the limelight most especially during prime time television. There is nothing wrong with flaunting a beautiful body. But the media must learn to discern as to when is the proper time to show segments like these. Of course, for the advertising and business world - SEXY SELLS!

And while we're at the topic of hunks galore, a colleague asked me in passing - DO YOU THINK THAT THESE MODELS ARE REALLY STRAIGHT MEN?

I wanted to slap her right there and then, but since I am suffering from lateral epicondylitis (tennis elbow), I decided to spare my right arm the pain.

These women just DO NOT get it! Dang!!! Did I need to give a lecture on how to tell if your man has signs and symptoms of being gay? Shoot me now and call me straight if you still can't distinguish a straight man from being gay.

Over a cup of coffee and some walnut cookies I enumerated the obvious signs and symptoms:
1. He's JUST NOT INTO YOU dearie. When you're in a party he likes to huddle with the boys. Especially the cute ones. When another hunk walks in, observe his head or eyes dart into that direction. Observe his eyes every time you go out. It tells a lot about whether you're with him or he's just physically there but he's not totally there at all!

2. He's 50 and he's still not married. So he's good looking, an achiever, and he's had several women in his life. It's either he's got erectile dysfunction and isn't telling anyone or he's not getting it up because he just doesn't like women. In short, he goes out with you because you're his front act. As to why he can't keep a relationship or get committed to one is not your fault. It's his. He's not into women!

3. His clothes are super neat and his make up is thicker than yours. He just says he's metrosexual (whatever that means). I blogged about this metrosexual concept a few months back and I tell you it's nothing but a campaign by advertisers and business to sell beauty to men. Men being beautiful? Duh? I'm fine with fragrance and clothes, but if he puts on a foundation or eyeliner or curls his lashes or plumps his lips with gloss then you've got someone who'll be carrying a "kikay" kit on your next vacation as well. [And while you're at it, check if he has those really low cut underwear that leaves little to the imagination or perhaps has some tight string bikini which would make your thong blush from what he's packing.] He's pretty obsessed with what he wears and how neat and spick and span he should be. You will not see a crease on his shirt and he's really tidy all over with that fruity citrus smell like he bathed himself with the whole bottle of cologne. Remember, if the guy looks more beautiful than you, you better think twice if he's straight or not!

4. He picks your clothes. Or he's picky when it comes to what you wear. You know the drill. You're going out for a date, then at the door he looks at you from head to foot then makes a stupid comment like, "I love your dress, but your shoes just don't match the color." Shazzam...and when did he become an instant make-over artist or fashion critic?

5. He's a total health buff. I mean really a health buff. I mean extremely a health buff. I mean a really totally extremely health buff. He's conscious with his food. He has gazillion pills laid out on the table when you dine out. He has an extra protein bar in his pocket so that he doesn't binge on food. He's conscious about his abdominal muscles and the weight and poundage that he will add. At a restaurant when you ask him to try your dish, he declines and offers his being conscious of his body as a pathetic excuse. He's a gym rat! In short, there's not a day in the week he's not at the gym lifting those barbells then posing and flexing his pumped body for all the world to see. Be most wary when he tells you that he's late for your dates because he's not yet done pumping his muscles. Several studies show that 50-75% guys who are narcissistic are actually dystonic gay men. Another study reveals that 30-50% of professional bodybuilders have homosexual tendencies and urges. Finally, 30-50% of male models are actually gay (but that's an underestimate because in reality 70-80% actually are).

6. He's not effeminate. Alright so it's a given. Most men that are effeminate are probably gay. But these straight-acting men are more dangerous than the effeminate ones. At least the effeminate ones are already distinguishable, but those that pretend to be straight are deceivingly devious. Why then do they act macho? Well primarily because not all gay men need to have a limp wrist. And that these macho-acting men act that way so that they can bond with other macho/straight guys . You know - hang out with the boys so that he can check their "toys". They're the ones that engage in hardcore body contact with other men, swapping t-shirts and jockstraps and body rubs. And here's the weird side - while most effeminate men may be gay, some of them are straighter than an arrow! So don't get deceived by the fact that the effeminate guy beside you happens to be gay! The world isn't just black OR white!

7. Just because he's got kids doesn't mean he's straight. Well let's just say that while they may have had the desire to sire kids, doesn't make them heterosexual or bisexual either. Jun Encarnacion and Arnel Ignacio for example. There's a long list of men who have kids and love men as well. So much for the "married" status. Some call them late-bloomers, whatever that means. Maybe after years of trying to ditch it they finally come to terms that they want their share of a "lollipop".

8. He's a Diva. I mean sure, while he loves the music of Barbara Streisand or Celine Dion, he does not need to sing it in falsetto mode! The minute you hear him sing in that mode, get out of the relation quick. It's either he just got castrated or he's wearing some really really really tight underwear that's clamping on his balls. Add the fact that he's into beauty pageants. Like if you asked a stupid question - "I wonder how many times has the Philippines won a world beauty pageant" - and he suddenly replies by giving you the exact year, name of winner, place it was held, and the place that the Philippines landed, you should get out of that relationship. If he's not gay then I'm definitely the Queen of England!

9. He is homophobic. There is something in him that makes him abhor openly gay people. He doesn't like them in the work place and enjoys putting them down. He surrounds himself with women and men only. He openly bashes gay people both in private and in public. This tells you that there is something in his past (or in his subconscious) that makes his react this way. It's usually a reflection of what he hates in himself. The gay population is a mirror of what he dislikes in himself. Because he finds this the dirtiest part of him, he does not like seeing them or being with them to the point of hating them.

10. His friends are beautiful men. Now that we're into cyberspace technology you can easily check out if your guy is gay or not. Simply click on his friends and you can tell - majority of his friends are beautiful men (not just men but really beautiful men) whose profile pics show half the torso rippling with muscles or even some of them only in scant underwear or very sexy or revealing poses. Especially if you don't know any of these men at all!

Give each segment in the checklist above 10%. If the guy fulfills 3 of the 10, then that makes 30% probability that he's gay and so on and so forth. If the guy (or hunk) of your dreams happens to fulfill at least 5 of the above criteria, steer away from him. You do not want to end up with a broken heart.

I promise you that you will remain a virgin throughout your life if you get a high score with your lover who happens to fill the criteria.

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